Love Is The Outlaw

why isn’t it summer
why isn’t this easy
why do we tip toe around each other
why
why
why
why  

the batteries in my bathroom clock are out, 
this is theory number one of why i have been taking longer showers lately
theory number two is that you’re gone
I’ve been trading shoes for roller skates for days now
i don’t know how it got this way
but i’ve lost my footing
the day you left my eyes were thrown into an impromptu spelling bee
when asked to spell the word “dry”
they asked for a definition
“dry. something you have not been since the 10 AM to denver took off and took him with it. dry”
that day also happened to be my birthday
3 out of the last 4 birthdays i have had
someone has been leaving
someone has been packing their bags
twice figuratively
once literally
i now know which hurts more
hearing them respectively say “happy birthday” and “we’re over” in the same day
was nothing compared to watching you go through the line at airport security
my days are blurry without you
almost every night in my apartment it sounds like it’s raining
even when it’s not
it has a lot to do with the plumbing
but usually it’s just raining
i didn’t hear it once when you were here

you are so loud

with your kisses and your silence and your laying next to me 
your touches are like dynamite that’s only audible to me
your heart is so loud
in all the good ways 
even when you’re gone 
it’s like a parade somewhere else in the city
i know it’s there, i just can’t get to it
it’s like your hands
i know they’re there, right below your wrists
i just can’t get to them right now
it’s like perfection
this city can’t get to it without you in it

you are so perfect to me

even when you’re not
even when we fight 
even when we are loud 
in all the bad ways
in old factories they would put up a number that represented the days that passed without incident or injury
some days i think there is one hung on my ribs
ticking off the days since our last fight
i know we’re only at about 8 today
i know i rebound like gum stuck to shoes 
and arguing is just talking with thorns
but you’re so beautifully inarticulate when you’re upset
i am so sorry that it breaks you
breaks you like i told you i never would 
but this rope between us,
it gets a little closer every time we tie ourselves back together afterwards
look at all of our knots my love
we could build cities with them
we could build futures with them
my horoscope today said 
“you refuse to move forward while continually looking back”
baby, yesterday was then
and today i love you more

forward is such a lovely place to go this time of year

kill me now. 
3 hour classes WILL be the death of me.